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Book review: Twilight

Twilight  - Stephenie Meyer


Let's see, I think everyone on the planet knows the basic storyline of Bella the stumbling ditz and Edward the glittering vampire, so I'll pass on another recap and just focus on snarking discussing the mind-numbing reading experience - starting with the repetition. How many times did the reader need to be clubbed over the head with descriptions of how gorgeous Edward is? His glowing ever-changing eyes? I got it the first, second and third time - I didn't need to hear about it over and over again until the very last pages. Nor did I want to hear about his chuckles, raised eyebrows and twitching lips.
Then there's Bella's clumsiness:

"....and I got up stiffly to follow them back. I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, so naturally I fell a few times. I got some shallow scrapes on my palms, and the knees of my jeans were stained green, but it could have been worse."

"My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings."

"I wasn’t joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday."

“Didn’t you think about running?” “I fall down a lot when I run,” I admitted.

“Are you referring to the fact that you can’t walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to trip over?”

“He knows I’ve been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he’ll think I fell in the washer.”

"Five miles of treacherous roots and loose stones, trying to twist my ankles or otherwise incapacitate me."

Talk about driving your point home and insulting your readers. I'm not even going to touch much on Edward and his wanting to control every aspect of Bella's life, but I'm sorry to see that being the model for young teen crushes everywhere. But then, I'm an old fart who never raised a teenager, so what do I know?

My second big bugaboo is the head-scratching, WTF, shouldn't an editor have caught these kind of stupid shite consistency errors that drove me up a wall. Black ice all over the roads and they don't delay and/or cancel school? You let someone who has never driven in the snow drive in the snow with an aging pickup with an empty flat bed (sheesh, even the newer 4x4 pickups can't handle the kind of black black ice we get in the Pacific NW). I don't care how fast Edward thinks he can drive, you can't get from Port Angeles to Forks in twenty minutes. Highway 101 is two lanes, and there's a long twisty stretch along Lake Crescent that is very narrow with trees on one side and lake on the other. Even if super-duper Edward can drive that fast without losing control and going into the lake (a very deep lake I might add), there are other cars (and logging trucks!!) using the road and passing is not so easy - you have to wait for the driver ahead of you to come to a turnout and you have to hope the driver ahead of you is courteous enough to pull over to let you pass. Good luck with that.

Then there's the trip to Phoenix at the end. I'm not spoiling, but I will err on the side of caution.
The big baddie is after Bella. She tells pops she's leaving in the middle of the night to drive to the airport and fly home to mom in Phoenix. I'm pretty sure she's a minor with no credit cards, but no one raises an eyebrow at walking up and buying a last-minute plane ticket and paying cash? Really? And pops (the police chief, isn't he?), doesn't try to stop her until he can take her himself?

So the plane trip doesn't happen, but those vampires and their super-fast vehicles (see above for Edward's driving skills), can drive from Forks (you know how long it takes to get from Forks to I5?) and still they can get to Phoenix in 24 hours. For realz?

And even though the plane trip never happened, Bella tells her parents that's how she got to Phoenix and they don't bat an eyelash. You would think they'd be fired up enough at whatever airline allowed an underage person to fly at the last minute without security flags being raised, but no. You would think they'd wonder where she got that kind of money to buy a last minute airplane ticket, but no...
(show spoiler)

*head desk*

And now the big HEA at the end Bella's leg was broken during the battle with the evil baddie, but she's dressed up for the prom, including stiletto heel on the uninjured leg (no sensible tennis shoe for our Bella to aid in keeping her balance and not falling) and there's not a mention of a crutch anywhere. Seriously? The biggest clutz ever, and they let her go around in a cast without an effing crutch? Are you kidding me?

As for that dance, how is it Bella can say she can't dance, yet the big show down with the baddie was at the ballet school that Bella attended when she was a child.
(show spoiler)

Needless to say, I will not be continuing with this series.